Sunday, March 26, 2006

Mentally worse day of my life.

Yesterday was (mentally) the worst day of my life. I could tell something was "up" when I got out of bed....but things just spiralled out of control. 1st of all, I'm not anorexic, but I count calories VERY carefully. And I had had a rather large breakfast. Then I went to Green Lake with my grandmother, and had some bean soup and toast for lunch. This ENTIRE time my grandmother is birating me about how we could get a dog this summer. (we being my family) I told her no, according to my therapist I won't be ready for a dog for about a year. She kept going "you have to push yourself Rachel" and "Ellie really wants a dog." This just made me feel worse and worse. After that, I got one of those bold breezes things at Baskin Robbins, thinking that they were only 100 calories or so. I took a nap when I went home, and then when I woke up my sister had her STUPID FUCKING FRIEND over.

I hate this kid. He is annoying, smart alleky, ALWAYS over here, NEVER leaves us alone, I just can't stand him. Everything just came crashing down on me, then I found out that the bold breeze has 340 calories in it...etc...etc...

YES, of course something worse could've happened. Bold breezes could've had 1000 cals in them. My dad could've died. I could've killed myself. But just... ARG.

I hate depression. I've only told my sister this, but I don't think I will have kids. I'll adopt. This is because if I DO have kids there is a 25% chance of an eating disorder, and a 25% chance of depression. One in four. One in eight for both. I had a 1/4 chance of getting both and I did.

This depression isn't like what kids describe to me. This is such an extreme sadness that penitrates every vain of the body. When you are "normal" sad, you laugh. If someone tells you a joke after you break up with the love of your life, it will cheer you up. But when you are depressed--or at least me--this won't. It makes me more sad. The fact that this person is trying to cheer me up is so overwhelming that I will cry.

When you feel depressed suicide seems like the only way to survive. Kids at my school make fun of suicide. "Suicide is not the answer" they say. They don't realize that every moment of every day is a struggle. I wouldn't close off death right now. I might not want to die, but if I had to, I wouldn't feel sad.

When you are depressed, it's like you are in a box. Suddenly, you are observing everything through different eyes. You notice the gleam of light in younger children when they laugh. When you are depressed, your heart is weighed down with a dumbell. When you are depressed, you want to get better, but half of you wants to stay enclosed, safly in your own little area.

That's what depression is.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Broaken ankles and yummy food!!!

So we never made it to Calgery...coaches didn't seem to mind much, we weren't going up with the best players.

The last 2 weeks have been SO HECTIC. But I like it. I like having water polo for two hours--2 hours in which if someone bothers me they're DEAD.

News from Rachel's World:
Our goalie broke her ankle.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this one. We (the grommets--aka 14 and unders) have the WORST goalie in HISTORY. Well, except for moi, but no one in their right mind would put me in goal.

So anyways, this girl can't tread, can't leg up, can't do NOTHING a goalie's supposed to do. ARG. But breaking her ankle...HAHA. I know it's mean, but this means we can stick our alternite in with out pandimonioum from CG (current goalie's) parents about how "we are not spending 600 dollors a season to have our daughter not play her position!!!"

Also, throughout these weeks I have come up with a scrumptious tomato soup recipe. Though I am pretty sure I'm the only one who will like it!!!

Tomato Soup:
1 can tomato sauce
1 onion
a bunch of garlic
veggie buillion paste (cuz thats all I have)

put all the stuff in a pot (along with 2 cups water) and simmer for, like, EVER until the onion is soft and the soup isn't watery and stuff. Eat. Clean up.

And here is my favorite salad recipe of the week: (it changes a lot!) This is a full meal salad--meaning you can eat it and not have certain people (coughHayleycough) think you are anorexic.
mango salsa stuff from Costko
tortilla chips (fine...fine..get the baked kinds if you must)
mandarin oranges (the canned, DUH. drink the juice when done!!!)

1. put in a bowl (note: you might want to chip the walnuts, appleand slice the grapes...but just a suggustion)
2. somehow combine
3. tosss with "good quality" olive oil and basalmic vinigar (aka...from costko...)
4. top with crushed tortilla chips

Dessert thingy:
soy yogurt (any fruit flavor except lime cuz in just doesn't go with...)
and HERSHEYS CHOCOLATE SYRUP (fine, you can use some sort of homeade syrup that isn't full of chemicals...but my little bro and sis were having ice cream so...)

1. combine 1st 3 incrediants together
2. drizzle with chocolate syrup
3. eat
4. this is especially good during friday night TV.

Yeah...last night was soup and salad night....:)

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Results from last water polo tournement: 16 and under: 2nd place. 14 and under...2nd to last. :/ Oh well... we won one game!!! And I got a bloody nose.

But I think the biggest thing is that I PLAYED. Like, I charged to the ball--I got ejections, bloody noses, goals (ONE!!! and I shot FOUR TIMES) almost like a player--it wasn't like we were playing man down. The other girl my size on our team (5 lbs lighter) made the most BEAUTIFUL pass to me, but overthrough it. One post to another. (one side of the goal to the other.)

The best part of this? While a certain "MVP" got pulled aside by our coach and told "you only seem to choose when to play, and it's hurting the team...etc...etc..." I got THREE people coming up to me and saying that I am playing much better.

And for people who know what I'm talking about, I PLAYED HOLE-D!!! Fine, out of accident, but still. Try to imagin a 59.5'' tall, 103 pound girl guarding the most toughest position against girls 50 lbs more.

and now I have ANOTHER beautiful story to tell you all: my story of trying to catch a 1.5 hr. flight to Calgary for this weekends tournement:
7 am: swim team
8 am: back to bed
10 am: breakfast
12 noon: picked up for airport
12:30: arrive at airport
1:30 check bags
2:00 plane delayed
4:00 board plane
4:20 LIFTOFF!!!
5:50: arrive 1/8 mile above airport
5:51: circle (fog)
6:51: still cricling
7 pm: to Spokane for more fuel
7:23 pm: arrive back in Seattle
8 pm: dinner (please note: first food since breaky!!!)
8:30: tournement cancled
8:31: tournement uncancled
9 pm: get bags
10 pm: home
10-11 pm: repack (needed warmer clothes!!!), eat 2 bowls of rice chex with soymilk.

and that is what I did yesterday. yay.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Days I wish I had an UNSLEEPING pill. This weekend we have a water polo tournement. Our schedule:

Thursday: scrimmage till 10 pm. Home 11:30.

5:20 pm (16's game)
8:40 pm (14's)
was home by 11

7:10 am
8:40 am
11:10 am
5:50 pm
6:40 pm
8:20 pm
8:40 pm
(these are 2 age groups--don't ask how I will play em all!!)

7:50 pm
4:10 pm

I am soo tired. (just a note--we have to be at the pool 40 min. before a game. so that means freakin 6:30 am on a saturday. Which means leaving at (now) 5:45 am. Which means--yay--about 5 hrs of sleep. Before 6 games.)

Postitive stuff--not ONLY did I play whole-d, BUT I got ejected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A BIG thing for me.

I saw this girl who completely pissed off a coach using myspace and then quit the team. She's playing for Oregon. The baby.

I NEED COFFEE!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

I officially need 10.5 hours of sleep a day. I have NO idea how I will get that much, but I have been experamenting all week: (note: these are all going into the next day--i.e. Wednesday NIGHT)
Wednesday: 10.5 hours
Thursday: 8 hours
Friday: 9.5 hours
Saturday: (aka last night) 8.5 hours, 1 hour nap

How in the world did I get to 10 and a half hours on Wed.? Oh yeah...I skipped school (with permission!) in the morning. I had therapy at 11, and didn't want to go in the morning. Not like I missed anything. (but that is a rant for later)

The absolute latest I can get up is 7:50, as my bus comes at 8:02. I am a fast changer, and I can grab a luna bar on my way out. That would mean going to bed at (the latest) 9:20. I don't get home until 8.

My only problem is that I've never actually slept 10.5 hours straight. I usually wake up and have breakfast around 5, and go back to sleep at sixish.

I was sooo tired at water polo today. When I'm in the pool it doesn't really matter--I'm never tired THEN, but when I got out after about 5 minutes I started to sway. :) something wasn't right there!

So...yeah...I'm just procrastinating from studying about our glorious sun-earth-moon system. Bah. I hate school.

ARG. I am mad. First of all, yesterday I spent 2 hours cleaning up the yard, because we had a storm last weekend.

and today we have another.

Also, my mom doesn't seem to notice the things that I ACTUALLY do. For instance, I clean up the kitchen nearly every day, after every meal. Yet my younger sister finds that cleaning the kitchen is completely uneeded for her. Same with my brother. So if I leave ONE SINGLE bowl not clean my mom blows up. Yet when my sister makes a COMPLETE mess. Then, when my mom goes out, I am stuck with all the dishes, because if I ask my sister to clean her ONE BOWL she never does. I know, it sounds petty and pointless, but all the stuff I end up doing just piles up.

Then, whenever I point out to my mom that my room is clean (unlike my sister's), that I have B's and A's in school (unlike my brother) and have never gotten below a B, or that, unlike my brother AND sister, my doctor doesn't give me the "don't eat to much junk" or EVEN that I never ask for anything--I mean, I don't have an iPod, new clothes, a TV (which I think is COMPLETELY unessecery) or anything my siblings constantly ask for (my brother has SIX hats!) my mom points out "Rachel, you are on a $600 per season water polo team, not including travel, you have no point asking for ANYTHING!"

(oh, and my brother isn't in THREE youth theater productions, each costing well over 500 bucks?)

Yes, so that is my rant for the day. Now I have to go get in my ($75) water polo suit, drive down to the Shore Club (18 cents), get in that FREEZING pool (heated to a WHOPPING 75 degrees, wow!)(which costs a dollor per minute run) and practing.

I need a coffee.

Saturday, March 04, 2006 second post! Yay!

Last night my mom and I made green beans "stir-fried" (but because I secretly want my mom to eat healthier, there was almost no oil) with almonds. YUMYUMYUM! It was sooo pretty, I wish I had taken a picture.

HOWEVER, I do have a picture of my lunch on Thursday. (we had a field trip that was outdoors and very active) I have a horrible habit with lunch--we only get 25 minutes, which I usually use to do my homework (or at least some), and then I eat when I get home, around 3. Or 2 on Mondays. *bangs head on desk* Then I go to water polo, and then eat dinner.

My lunch was:
brussel sprouts
green beans (no almonds)
luna bar
Silk Very Vanilla Soymilk juicebox thingy

I'll post a picture when my dad gets here to show me how--it didn't come out very well, though. :(

Good news!!!
MY SISTER ATE SPINACH!!! Fine, it was in a quiche with eggs, parmasaun cheese, cream and other murder items, but still...she also ate two of the beans. (yay?)

The other day my friend was telling me how shocked she was ate how much my family eats. Food (being a very sensitive thing for me) DOES go though our house quickly. And we do have a bit of a portion controll prob. with tortilla chips.

BUT, I pointed out, in my family there is a ten year old girl (who is now only half an inch shorter than me), a 13 year old boy (who became a MAN two weeks ago--Mazel Tov, Derek!) and me, a 14 year old who spends at least 2 hours a day playing sports. Whereas she isn't playing any sport (but runs about a mile a day), her brother is 17 and just sits around playing video games all the time, and her sister is in college. *sigh*