Sunday, March 26, 2006

Mentally worse day of my life.

Yesterday was (mentally) the worst day of my life. I could tell something was "up" when I got out of bed....but things just spiralled out of control. 1st of all, I'm not anorexic, but I count calories VERY carefully. And I had had a rather large breakfast. Then I went to Green Lake with my grandmother, and had some bean soup and toast for lunch. This ENTIRE time my grandmother is birating me about how we could get a dog this summer. (we being my family) I told her no, according to my therapist I won't be ready for a dog for about a year. She kept going "you have to push yourself Rachel" and "Ellie really wants a dog." This just made me feel worse and worse. After that, I got one of those bold breezes things at Baskin Robbins, thinking that they were only 100 calories or so. I took a nap when I went home, and then when I woke up my sister had her STUPID FUCKING FRIEND over.

I hate this kid. He is annoying, smart alleky, ALWAYS over here, NEVER leaves us alone, I just can't stand him. Everything just came crashing down on me, then I found out that the bold breeze has 340 calories in it...etc...etc...

YES, of course something worse could've happened. Bold breezes could've had 1000 cals in them. My dad could've died. I could've killed myself. But just... ARG.

I hate depression. I've only told my sister this, but I don't think I will have kids. I'll adopt. This is because if I DO have kids there is a 25% chance of an eating disorder, and a 25% chance of depression. One in four. One in eight for both. I had a 1/4 chance of getting both and I did.

This depression isn't like what kids describe to me. This is such an extreme sadness that penitrates every vain of the body. When you are "normal" sad, you laugh. If someone tells you a joke after you break up with the love of your life, it will cheer you up. But when you are depressed--or at least me--this won't. It makes me more sad. The fact that this person is trying to cheer me up is so overwhelming that I will cry.

When you feel depressed suicide seems like the only way to survive. Kids at my school make fun of suicide. "Suicide is not the answer" they say. They don't realize that every moment of every day is a struggle. I wouldn't close off death right now. I might not want to die, but if I had to, I wouldn't feel sad.

When you are depressed, it's like you are in a box. Suddenly, you are observing everything through different eyes. You notice the gleam of light in younger children when they laugh. When you are depressed, your heart is weighed down with a dumbell. When you are depressed, you want to get better, but half of you wants to stay enclosed, safly in your own little area.

That's what depression is.

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